Today is going to be THAT day.
"One of these days, I'm going to actually do ONE of these things I'm always talking about, and hence at least, move ONE thing I have always just talked about to the list of THINGS I HAVE ACTUALLY DONE".
It had to take another bad night with fibro for me to finally decide to quit talking the talk, and for once - try walking the walk.
Instead of another useless night tossing and turning, writhing my legs and massaging it incessantly, wishing the throbbing pain I always experience whenever I have one of these flare-ups would just lull me into a stupor called sleep - I laid awake with the thought that perhaps - today should be the day this damn blog should take a form.
Why not turn something negative into something positive?
After all, the choice may not be mine when a bad episode of this pain-in-the-derriere fibromyalgia may rear its ugly head. However, it is ALWAYS my choice how i wish to respond to this particular event, like all other life events.
Tonight, instead of lying in bed, defeated and agonising physically and mentally about how much it sucks to be going through what I am experiencing (like I have done for countless nights before) - I could instead, get up, get dressed, and write about what I am feeling and thinking.
Isn't that approach much more useful, engaging, and life-affirming?
And maybe, just maybe, if today is the day this blog I have been thinking and mulling about for months can take that leap into reality... Who knows? It could be the tipping point the rest of my discarded/forgotten plans and dreams need - to see themselves be slowly coaxed into reality, too.
......
So, here I am.
Sat on a cold wooden chair in the pitch darkness of our serviced apartment in North Boat Quay, Singapore - googling about the best blog engine to use. The time is 2:25am.
I am finding myself distracted and almost carried away from my original intent again - intimidated by the plethora of choice at hand, and trying to decipher the jargon between the review pages in the 6 tabs I have simultaneously opened. It almost seems too hard, and I hear the little voice in my head toying with me - suggesting perhaps i should just give this futile attempt up and head off to bed again. I am sat right under the AC vent after all, and the damn arthritic ache is starting up again....
Attention drifting...
I can feel pain rising in my actual butt muscle the longer I sit in this chair, though. Briefly, I entertain the thought of getting up and fetching myself a pillow.
...When I get into this state, my pain threshold is pretty much reset to something ridiculously low. The slightest exertion, the slightest pressure registers pain that probably a toddler would not even wince at. For me, during such an episode as this - everything is magnified and distorted. Like those stupid mirrors in fun carnivals. Except - there is nothing fun about the pain of fibromyalgia. I am cocking my head, considering whether this is a clever distraction tactic in my ever-fascinating-procrastinating brain. I notice the pain creeping and building in my muscles, and decide - yea, go the pillow.
So I go fetch such a pillow.
Now, comfortably nestled on top of the billowy softness of duck feather, my thoughts picked up where I left off... Inspiration eventually strikes me...
The worst thing about perfectionism in dreamers who procrastinate - is that it's about the worst possible amalgamation of useless unproductive human energies one can find.
1. Dreamers - do exactly that - dream. They are great at being imaginative and festooning the most vivid and exciting plans and ideals, perhaps because they are just creatives like that, or perhaps - they just aren't entertained enough by reality at its bluntest and most mediocre. But, they fail at precisely the peak of their strengths - they DREAM, and do little else.
2. Perfectionism - is a pain in the ass - if truth be told. I shiver to imagine the number of times I have laid to waste otherwise potentially-productive human hours/days/weeks/months/years(?). How much have I squandered in a pointless and wasteful pursuit of perfection. Perhaps, some things are best not quantitatively measured.
3. Procrastination - this evasive and lazy trait plagues an immeasurable number of today's apathetic and uninspired youths - myself included (though I am pretty sure I almost peak at 100% for being categorically a non-youth, I am somewhat fooled into thinking that my diminutive, Asian appearance would probably just barely sneak me through the red tape). Procrastination is best summed up by a quote I remember reading somewhere: tomorrow is the land where all wasted ideals and dreams go. I feel that about sums up procrastination.
........
That is about all my soup-brain can muster at this uncanny hour of 4:01am.
In between all the distractions of web-surfing, and fetching pillows, dealing with annoying pain, and gathering thoughts - at least I have began a mammoth task. A ball has been pushed and it is garnering speed. For that, I am giving myself a pat on the back and allowing myself now to waddle back to bed - with a degree of smug self-congratulation.
I have just proven myself that the impossible sometimes really can happen - the worst trifecta has finally been surmounted. And though tomorrow is another day - at least, today - my tomorrow just came.
As to why I felt the compulsion to join the masses, and start this blog at all - that is the topic of another day. Maybe tomorrow, maybe another bad fibro flare-up. At least, for now, I am happy I am here.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF.
A LITTLE EFFORT EACH DAY TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE A LITTLE BETTER THAN YESTERDAY - is better than none.
